365 Conversations with God

Hello wonderful readers,

Happy Friday!

My normal opening for this blog is “Happy Monday”, so it feels very weird writing Friday in the heading. Today is a historical day for me for multiple reasons, and I wanted to do a special post to memorialize December 1^st.

Today, 365 days ago, my husband and I closed on our first home together as a married couple, moved from our apartment into our home, and went in to see the Neurologist to review my MRI results. Today, 365 days ago, was the first time I would hear the words “Multiple Sclerosis” used in an exam room with a doctor. Today, 365 days ago, was the first time I would feel a shift internally of my life changing. Today, 365 days ago, is the day I began holding conversations with God on a daily basis.

I would like to preface that this post is in no way stating one religious belief is better than another or of more importance than another. Whether you believe in God, another higher power, or lack thereof a higher power, this post is for you. I will be using the term God in this post, but please feel free to replace this three letter title with what speaks most profoundly to you.

On this day, 365 days ago, I got to look quite literally inside my head to see the white lesions that were causing my right side to go completely numb. These white spots served as a sign and a wake-up call to me.

                                Life is short, do not take this miracle for granted.

Why do we need a life altering diagnosis, loss of a loved one, losing our job, natural disaster(s), falling out of love, divorce, debt, being taken advantage of (physically, emotionally, financially, or in any sense of this statement), war, or incarceration for us to turn to God? 

Why do we need to be humbled or scared in the worst possible way to put our pride aside and talk to God?

It seems as though we turn to God most in our time of need when we have hit our lowest point. I do have a theory as to why we do this – We turn to God when we are at our lowest point because the ground is closest for our knees to hit and pray. When we are lowest point or going through something tough we turn to our God for guidance.

I don’t have the exact answer for the questions above, only my theory, but I do know that it shouldn’t take any of these unfortunate events happening to you, or to your family, in order to turn to God. We should be talking to God daily, regardless of our situation.

Since December 1^st, 2016 I have been talking to God daily, sometimes multiple times a day. My first conversation was brief and only consisted of one word: "Why?" I looked to God for answers as to why I was diagnosed. Why at twenty-three years old, recently married to my soul mate, just purchasing our first home, and starting our lives together, why would you give me this gut wrenching disease?

My initial conversation was so brief because I was at a loss for words, even when speaking to God. I believe he was at a loss for words as well because I never got an answer.
God never told me and has never told me why I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. This is a question that I believe will never be answered, but I continued, and will still continue my conversations with God.

My brief initial conversation with God quickly changed to anger. I will not lie to you, I was livid and downright pissed off because this disease was not part of my plan. This disease came about during the worst time possible, as all unfortunate events do. I was searching for guidance to unanswerable questions. I was trying to control a situation that was uncontrollable. I was crying and dwelling on my situation which lead me to more pain and suffering. I said things to God I am ashamed to even admit, but I needed to get my frustration out there, and have this conversation with someone, so I turned to God.

While I was spewing my anger and throwing hateful comments to God, He listened. He never interrupted, He never told me it was my fault, He never made me feel ashamed of my raw and real emotions – He simply listened. I even go to a point where I was frustrated of a lack of response that it lead me to more anger, but just like everything, this anger and frustration subsided. It was temporary. These conversations filled with frustration would last for a few months, but they quickly shifted.

My next conversations with God would last for several consecutive days. I began to apologize profusely for what I had said. I felt an immense sense of shame for the words of anger I shared with God. I tried to explain that my situation and emotions got the best of me and lead me to say things I didn’t mean. I explained I was at my lowest point and I was sorry and I pleaded for forgiveness. Then something within me began to shift again. I felt as though I was forgiven without God even uttering a single word.

The next series of conversations that took place next was me asking for help, in every category possible. I asked for God to heal me. I asked God to help me see the light. I asked God to help me love myself. I asked God to love me even with all of my faults. I asked God to put forgiveness in my heart. I asked God to show me signs, even in the slightest of senses. I asked for God to show me the path He has laid for me. I asked God to use me for His plan. I asked God to take control because control was never mine in the first place. I asked God to talk to me, because I am ready to listen.

You know what, God responded.

I was going through my Yoga Teacher Training this year with Yoga on the Lake and we were learning about meditation and Pratyahara or sense withdrawal. All of the beautiful teachers in training were laying on their mats going through a guided meditation lead by the amazing Danny B. Danny lead us through a guided meditation and I could feel myself getting heavier and heavier into my mat. At the beginning my mind was jumping from thought to thought, but I did what I had been doing every day prior – I started a conversation with God. I said this simple statement “I forgive you, I praise you, I honor you, I love you.”

This is when God began to speak to me.

I could no longer hear any of the noises going on within the yoga studio. My eyes were shut and my physical body was laying on the floor, but I could see that I was in a well-lit room with a figure sitting on a sofa having a conversation. I was sitting on the sofa, but I was able to view the conversation from across the room, almost as a spectator, almost an out of body experience.
This figure and I were sitting near one another and looking at one another. The figure began to speak and I listened as though I was hearing words for the first time. 

God told me this:

               I have been by your side all along, you just have not noticed me until now.
        I have cried with you every tear you have shed. I have felt the same frustration you                                                                               have felt.
               I am always with you and I am never leaving you. Know this in your heart.
            You hold the power to heal yourself. Everything you seek is already within you.
                                                         I love you. Always.

I am not sure how much time had passed, but this conversation occurred slowly, in real time, while I was laying on the studio floor with my eyes shut and my heart open. This conversation took place at just the right time: it was fleeting, but it was perfect, because it came from God. I was blessed to receive these words of wisdom. Danny B. slowly encouraged us to come back into the space, to our physical bodies, and to our breath. When I opened my eyes again, it was as though I was looking at a completely new space. I have spent many hours in the studio before, but I had never looked at it this way. 

Our meditation session would end, but I knew this conversation was life changing.

                                                           I was reborn.

Each of us our given the same 24 hours in a day. How you choose to spend your hours is your choice, but I would like to ask for you to spend some time talking to God every day.

                                                 365 days=365 opportunities

It can be on your commute into work, while making dinner, in between phone calls or texts, it can be at any moment throughout your day. There is no length or time required, all God needs is your honesty, love, and devotion.

I am guilty of allowing my conversations with God stop or only occur when I needed something, selfishly, but that has all changed.

I am not perfect; no one is. I also respect that life gets busy, but these are all excuses and barriers we are creating for ourselves and holding us back from our true potential. 

Something I know now is that I should have been communicating with God every day prior to my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

It took seeing the white spots on my brain to wake me up and humble me. This was my lowest point in life thus far which is why it was necessary for my knees to hit the floor and pray to God.

Beauty and clarity has come from my diagnosis this past year.

My heart and soul has been broken open and I have been reborn: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Please allow my wake up call to serve as one for you, do not wait, the time is now.

                                 Speak to God today, He is waiting to hear from you.

A prayer I would like to share with you today:

Thank you for this day.

Thank you for this breath.

Thank you for this heart.

Thank you for the ability to feel, sense, and move. I know these abilities can be taken any

day from me, but thank you for allowing me to keep them today.

Thank you for healing me. From the inside out.

Thank you for not giving up on me, because I will never give up on perusing you; in

everything I do, every day.

I surrender to your love, your grace, and your healing.

Thank you.

Thank you all so much for reading this special blog post today. I hope it has stirred something within you and awoken you in some way.

As always, I appreciate each and every one of you. I love you.

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Namasté.