R & R - Rx. Reality

Hello wonderful readers,

Happy Monday!

I hope you are all having a beautiful start to your week this week. I loved hearing the words you are living by for 2018! You are all such an inspiration to me, and I would love to continue to hear what words you are living by and if the words change throughout the year.

Thank you all again for sharing! It means more to me than you will ever know.

I would like to preface this post by saying it will be a little different than some of my other posts. I am hoping this post is not taken as if I am asking for anyone to pitty me, because that is the exact opposite of my intention for this week's post.
My intention for this post is to shed light on my reality and journey as I live with multiple sclerosis.

I will be utterly and completely honest with of you, last week was not my week, in the slightest sense. I was not feeling well as my leg discomfort continued to worsen. When I am experiencing leg pain while walking up the steps, I felt as though my entire right leg would "fail", almost as though I had a cement block tied to my foot. This caused me to call my neurologist for insight. After the neurologist heard this, he increased the dosage of the prescription I am taking solely for my leg.
I then continued down the rabbit hole of negativity and became very frustrated with my body and why it continues to cause me discomfort and let me down. I continued to get upset at the amount of medication I am taking. I felt as though I was taking medicine constantly.
I caused myself so much distress about my self loathing I was not able to sleep which created more stress and dis-ease. This cycle seemed to continue throughout the entire week. I would wake up each morning trying to put my positive pants on and I quickly got pulled back into my spiral of sadness.

I am not a medication person, at all! Prior to my diagnosis of MS, I would not even take over the counter medicine to help with a headache. Heck, I would sometimes not even take tums for an upset stomach. I am not a fan of medication and their potential side effects, but I tried to recall my words for 2018: radical acceptance. These words are and were a great reminder to accept that my body might need these medications in order to feel better and live my life fully. But I am still learning to accept life as I know it now. I am still learning to be okay with not always being okay. I am learning to remind myself that all things are temporary and I might not need some of these medications forever. I am still learning to accept. As I stated last week, I could spend the rest of my living days learning how to fully accept, but this past week I found it extremely difficult and tiresome to do.

When I felt as though my week could not get any worse, I called to refill the medication I am on for my MS. I was speaking with this incredibly nice gentleman confirming my address and insurance information. Then he said, "Let me check your co-pay for this medication. It looks like it has been a $0 co-pay every time you have ordered it, but we have to check with it being a new year." The gentleman paused and then solemnly said, "Your co-pay is $3,434 for your medication since you have not hit your out of pocket maximum for the year."

My heart dropped into my stomach and my eyes began to swell.
I nicely said to the gentleman I will have to call him back to place my order and pay for my medication.

This is where I lost it. I was trying to hold it together throughout the week, and this was my tipping point.

I hung up the phone and instantly dropped my head into my hands to cry, and I mean ugly cry.

The depth of my rabbit hole deepened even further as I verbally beat myself down to an unimaginable low.
How could a co-pay be that much for a medication?
How could silly little pills cost so much?
How do we pay for this all at once?
What if we didn't have insurance or an HSA, how much would the medication be then? And how could anyone actually be expected to pay for it? What is wrong with this picture?
How could we be meeting our out of pocket maximum already? It's not even halfway through January yet for Pete's sake.
Why do I need to be on this stupid medication in the first place?
Why is this all happening in one week?
What am I to be learning from this situation?
Why couldn't I be normal?
Just: WHY?
If I didn't have multiple sclerosis we would not be in the position.

I know we all go through these situations, these days, these weeks, these months, and sometimes, even these years - Where it is hard to be positive and accept things as they are.
It's hard to be okay with not being okay. It's hard to swallow your emotions and put on a smile sometimes. It's hard to hold it physically and emotionally together when all you want to do is cry, and shout, and possibly let your frustration out.
It is hard, because life can be really, really hard.
I know this. You know this. We all know this and feel this.

So why do we hold back the feelings? Why do we hold back the tears? Why do we suppress our emotions - positive or negative?
Let me tell you this, it's completely acceptable and healthy to tell others how you are feeling and what you are going through. It's completely acceptable and healthy to curl into a ball and allow the warm tears to stream down your face. It's acceptable to go into a room, shut the door, and yell if you need to.

This is all completely acceptable and healthy.
I empathize with what you are experiencing and going through. What you are experiencing right now can only be felt by you, in your own shoes, in your own flesh and bones.
You are never alone with what you are experiencing and going through.
You don't need to keep that strong facade up for yourself or anyone else anymore. 

Sometimes we are strong for so long we need to let it out. We need to put it all out in the open.

We need to let it out so we can let it go.

You are worth this life. You are so worth this life.
We all get sad and down at times.
You are beautiful, inside and out.
We all need time to truly feel our emotions to better understand them.
We all need help and it is never a weakness to admit this.
We all need to know and remember that we are honored and seen as we really are.
You are not your thoughts.
We all need time to heal. This will not happen overnight, and it is not an easy task, but you are not alone.
We all need to know and remember that we are so deeply loved.

I cannot stress the last point enough. Sometimes it feels as though we aren't loved, or we have been let down in some way. The love and support is always there, whether we feel it, and sometimes even see it or not.

The love and support never vanishes.

With the help of others and ourselves, we can be put back together, piece by piece.
When we are put back together, we will not be the same as before.
We will be stronger, wiser, more rooted, more in tune, and more ourselves than ever before.
The life that once was might not be anymore, and that is for the better. You have been taught the lessons, you have gone through the growing pains, you have cracked yourself open and allowed the light to shine out of you. This flame was always burning within you and will always be there.

You can see it now. You can believe it now. You can feel it now.
You have risen, and possibly re-risen.

You can and will get through this.

I see you. I value you. I love you.

Subscribe, comment, and share.Together we rise, one breath at a time.

Make a different, light the way, and share your story today.

Namasté.